Baby, I STUMBLE for ya…

First day back and I think things are going well. Then I realized that 3 people landed on my site because they searched “Girls with Beards” and/or “Will cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie make me look like more of a badass?” Good to know there are other people on God’s Green Earth who think about the same things as I do. Please know that you are welcome here, and I will try my damndest to make you minimally aware of how hard I am judging you. And to answer what it is you’re seeking– dudes don’t typically want to do it with go for chicks with beards. And cutting the sleeves off your Snuggie will not make you look like a badass. Its called “The Blanket with Sleeves,” not “The Blanket WITHOUT Sleeves.” Because if it didn’t have sleeves… It’d just be a blanket.

Surely y’all have heard of StumbleUpon. In case you’re like our other friends in the Cambodian Fishing Villages or living in the Mars Craters, StumbleUpon is quite possibly one of the most ingenius inventions on the Interwebz. You check little boxes telling it what you’re into, and it just like…FINDS these webpages for you that it thinks you’ll be interested in. So, essentially, you are “Stumbling Upon” them. Clever, if you will. And I will.

Now, as ingenius as StumbleUpon is, it is my biggest FRENEMY. StumbleUpon has introduced me to some really awesome stuff that really turns my friends on (like this SNOWFLAKE MAKER that kids on drugs just can’t resist) and gets me much-needed cool points. But, for all the hilarious cartoons and trivia facts, StumbleUpon has really made it clear to me that I am an absolute nightmare of a human being and my life is in far, far worse condition than I previously thought. You know, like the fact that it gives me links to things like “Magnificent Cat Tummies” and I look at the whole damn thing… and like it.

StumbleUpon introduced me to this... Which Kitty and I plan to ask for for Graduation.

Don’t believe me? I won’t tell you what my checked categories are (trust me… it’s horrifying.Its like they know exactly what you want before you even know you want it.  They actually SUGGESTED to me that I start StumblingUpon cats since apparently I “liked” everything cat-related. Huh.) but here are the first 10 pages that I will StumbleUpon. Prepare to block me from your blogs in 5…4…3…2…1…

1) HOW TO CLEAN YOUR OWL: Complete with PICTURE!

2) COOKING BY NUMBERS: You select the things you have; it makes you a recipe. This could lead to serious obesity and food poisoning based on the things in the pantry in MMH; but I’m balling on a budget so I’m definitely liking this one.

3) LAO TZU QUOTES: I mean… Even StumbleUpon knows I need a little guidance… But she DOESN’T know that I’m a little scared of Asians. HA!

4) SPEEDY PETE?: I’ve never been to this site, but these are some incredibly amazing pictures of  drunk people with cups and such balanced on their drunk as a skunk passed out heads/faces. I mean, I’m already friends with enough drunks, but I definitely want to be friends with the pranksters.

5) INTERESTING CAVES: Self explanatory.

6) WINE GLASS: This is a picture of an ad for a wine glass that fits a whole bottle in the glass… because “Drinking wine from a glass is classier than drinking from a bottle.” Well put, you drunk bitch. Why don’t they sell these on infomercials? I’d totally get one if they were some kind of BOGO.

7) BRIAN TURNWALD: I hate people who aren’t handicapped who park in handicapped spaces. This guy does that. Ipso facto, I hate this guy. HOW DOES STUMBLE KNOW THAT???? Better yet, who is this guy who is so freaking angry he made a whole page out of this? Righteous anger, no doubt… but still a little extreme… Well, right on, sisterbrotherstranger.

Gee...Thanks StumbleUpon... You really shouldn't have.

8) SOME BEARS: Self explanatory. This is a picture of a real bear and a teddy bear, in sepia tones. WTF? Still liking it. (BTW I know that keeps turning into some lame-o smiley dude in Wayfarers… Can’t make it stop auto correcting, so lets just let him shine on.)

9)HEDGEHOG SHAPED CHEESE GRATER: I’ve always wanted a pet hedgehog (they’re illegal in GA… pout.) and I love to grate cheese. StumbleUpon really just… GETS me.

10) AHHH!: Frightening.  I mean, she’s adorable if you know what to expect. But if not; terrifying. I need to tell StumbleUpon that they cannot do this to me unless they want my roommates to StumbleUpon a heart attack victim.

Now that I said I’m only gonna do 10 of these, I can’t seem to stop. That’s why Stumble is my Frenemy to the max. Sometimes I can’t seem to drag myself away, even if my coffee has kicked in or I need to be getting ready for a meeting. Or just doing other important things, like applying for graduate schools or writing love letters to Robert Redford. StumbleUpon makes me think I am actually getting something accomplished because I can post millions of insignificant links on millions of insignificant people’s walls. But I can’t lie. The only way I’ll be able to quit Stumbling like I do is if I stop making awesome grades (DOUBTFUL) or if I find a boyfriend (which will be close to impossible because of my debilitating Stumbling Habit and my love affair for cats which is only further enabled by my MOMster and Stumbling so hard) in the immediate future. Not likely.

And trust me… I do NOT want to be stuck Stumbling across videos of cats and pumpkins when MPM (My Perfect Man) walks in.

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8 Comments

Filed under Best Ideas Ever, Cat Lady, humor, Lazy, life, MMH (My Miserable House), MPM (My Perfect Man), Obsessions, Reasons I Don't Have a Boyfriend, Uncategorized, Wasting my time...

8 responses to “Baby, I STUMBLE for ya…

  1. S. Le

    Hilarious stuff.

  2. I just spent an hour f*cking about on Stumble Upon and I now officially hate you. 🙂

    • It’s really the best/worst invention ever… I went through about a week where it totally consumed my life. Not that there was much to consume, really, if I had that much time to dedicate to Stumbling…

  3. You’ve got some funny stuff here. Keep it up!
    Also, I am not even going to go to that stumbleupon website…yet. In a day or two when I get bored, you can bet I’ll be stumbling all over the place.
    bymyink.wordpress.com
    PS I am so in love with Robert Redford its kind of creepy…glad to know you love him too.

  4. dufmanno

    I’ll tell ya flat out that speedy Pete was an OLD friend of mine.
    In and out in two minutes. Wait, that sounded bad.

  5. I’m entranced by your blog. An awareness of an awesome number of hugely disparate things pop and Internet and silly that my poor brain can’t encompass any more. Very funny, but with a lot of feeling. Love the hairdryer photo. Just so many things to notice out there! It wears me out to just look at a couple of news headlines.

    The Stumbleupon stuff does give me the willies. The idea of software figuring out my tastes and suggesting sites that feed my shtick is creepy. It seems to both draw out what’s individual about people while categorizing us into groups—a nice, marketable little bundle of them—at the same time. There’s something contrary about it.
    Keep up the brilliance!
    With unholy blessings,
    Brother Greg

    • Brother Greg, that may be one of the best comments I’ve ever gotten… But keep your shirt on, I haven’t gotten very many.

      I guess that my youth and my undiagnosed ADD keeps me aware of a lot of different goings-on in the world. Sadly, I wish I knew more about a lot of these things, which is what keeps me coming back for more. Don’t even get me started on my knowledge of politics and trivia; I’d make your head explode.

      I was entranced with your blog too, I plan to come back for more!

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