Lucy… You got some ‘splainin to do…

I believe this kid's miz costume conveys *just* how sorry I am.

Well, I guess from the offset I should begin this way: I’m sorry. I’m sorry to the 6 or so people who actually got a kick out of my ramblings. Sorry to my little bloggy-blog which I actually thought would somehow remind me to write in it. Sorry to me, cause I actually convinced myself I would be able to do this without any dedication, provocation, or sobriety. Your little “where did you go-es” and occasional checks back have brought me back into the fold; and please accept me as the prodigal son returned to reap his fortune. Or really just the chick with too much time on her hands and a desire to make a few people laugh because of her unfortunate life.

Onward and upward. I will try to reinstate myself in this space (and I totally understand if you won’t have me back… Shoes don’t stretch, men don’t change, and cheaters always cheat… I’m guilty of being once-bitten twice-shy as well, friends) without any glittering promises of actually doing this daily or of making you lose 5 lbs by eating more. Actually, I quit blogging and GAINED 5 pounds. What in Sam Hell is that all about?

Now, I guess I could just give you a brief run-through of where I’ve been the past 7 months. I’ll harken back to some of these times with stories and a Sarah Palin-esque teary-eyed nostalgia; but in hindsight, I don’t think they’re as entertaining as the other foul and menial things that surround me today. Here we go.

January: Started a blog, cat got declawed, quit blogging, school started. Rampant drinking binges ensued. Roommate got another cat… Still no boyfriend or ability to see through clothing. On the upside, Bad Romance played on the radio about 42 billion times. It may or may not have snowed in Georgia.

February: Still drinking, still had a cat. Threw the “Second Annual Singles Only” Valentines Day Party at my house… Ended the night drinking with my cat. Got elected Student Body Secretary; even though I am highly unqualified for the job. I’m just popular and I look some-what good in a skirt. Or at least better than the competition, but he’s no skirt-chaser (which probably affected his chances at winning in my SUPERCONSERVATIVE College Town) and looks like Squidward from SpongeBob. Then I went to Uganda for two weeks, almost died in a plane crash on the way home. That was cool. And by “cool” I mean “absolutely horrifying because I am completely self-obsessed and I watch a lot of LOST and just didn’t think it was my time to go so I said the F-Word in front of about 20 preachers and rude Europeans and haven’t completely gotten over it.”

March: Nothing much to write home about. Still got a cat, still don’t got a boyfriend. Started looking at Graduate Schools because I’m paranoid about my future. Please note at this phase in my life, Grad School was 15 months away. Oh, and visiting Grad Schools was my Spring Break. The

Speedy Pete, in all his glory.

decrepit alcoholic in me was horrified when I told him we wouldn’t be hitting the Jersey Shore. For the record, his name is “Speedy Pete.”

April: Had a few minor life crises trying to rule the world… But I ended the semester with a 4.0. SHOCKING. Seriously. I don’t “do” good grades; my arguement to my parents has always been that I’m in it for the “experience.” Apparently being delightfully average isn’t going to cut it any more. Guess what? Still no boyfriend. Also won an award on campus for being “Greek Leader of the Year” that was a giant Bobcat cast in bronze that weighed like 20 lbs and resembled more of an Owl. Talk about my student dollars at work…

May: Took a Freshman English class for the Summer Semester, blew some kids minds with my knowledge. Didn’t blow any hard enough to find a boyfriend though… Guess the train won’t stop in CougarTown till August. Also visited 3 Confederate Forts within 3 days; which is like pornography for me. In my time of absense, my formerly impassioned love for the State of Georgia has become something so fierce and uncontainable that I should probably get checked out… I guess Wisdom, Justice, and Moderation is my Boyfriend.

June: I don’t want to talk about it.

July: Celebrated the cat’s 1st birthay… Reason #54025 I don’t have a boyfriend. In fact, Celebrated 1 full year of being totally and completely single. WAAAAH-WAAAAAHHH. Celebrated America’s 324th Birthday with dazzling redneckness. Started back to my summer classes. Rearranged my room at My Miserable House (MMH) and have committed to making a life change again.Seriously. I’ve gotten fat and I’ve got no money. I’ve gotta make some changes; and I’d like to re-start here on the interwebz.

Last time that lasted about 5 days; but I’m being a little less demanding of myself this time around. We already know that my former attempt crashed and burned, so lets hope this one will just do a few touch-n-go landings like my flight out of Entebbe. I stilhow l think I have the ability to be a little funnier. In fact, since going to Africa, I think I’ve gotten even a little more funnier (how you gon’ act, Grammar Nazis?) cause I saw some pretty nutty stuff. Nutty enough that I plan to go back again in December. So, look forward to some scary stories over the next 5 months of the creative/sketchy/self-destructive things I do to come up with $3000 to help some baby orphans.

On a parting note: I apologize again, a million times. I promise, promise, promise I am back. And I will love on you and yours until you can’t stand it and you have me back. And that’s not a threat– that’s a promise. I have a lot of extra time since I *still* don’t have a boyfriend and no longer have a means to fund Speedy Pete’s booze-hounding ways.



Filed under Cat Lady, college, drinking, humor, life, MMH (My Miserable House), Not Being Skinny, Reasons I Don't Have a Boyfriend

5 responses to “Lucy… You got some ‘splainin to do…

  1. S. Le

    lol! Welcome back prodigal daughter.

    Love the snap of Speedy Pete! Really love it!

    Since being away so long, you should have plenty of blogging fodder! Keep it up! After awhile you will be as addicted to blogging as I am!

  2. Not that you asked my opinion, but your repeated lament re: boyfriendlessness is a little sad (if it’s how you actually feel and not a hilarious exaggeration).

    There’s nothing wrong with being single. In fact, there are AWESOME things about being single. And being single is far, far better than being with someone substandard. I was single for five years before I met my current boyfriend (by “single” I mean I had dates, and sometimes kind of started to fall for guys, but it never turned into anything). If I had somehow ended up in a relationship with any of the guys I’d been seeing during that time, I might never have met my boyfriend – who is INFINITELY better suited to me. Worth the wait.

    Try to forget about finding a boyfriend and work on finding YOURSELF. Special bonus: a girl who knows who she is and is perfectly comfortable on her own is like catnip to boys, so probably once you totally give up on relationships one will land in your lap.

    I tell you these things from experience.

    • That is excellent advice, I must say. I need to read that every day, because it’s a lot easier to read someone elses advice than to try and come up with that in your own head.

      I’d have to put the boyfriendlessness lament at approximately 25% seriousness and then 75% exaggeration. It’s a running joke with my roommates and I– who some people in this town think are lesbians because we’re so close– that we can’t attract/keep boyfriends, so we like to blow it up into a bigger deal cause we’ve stopped dating boys who live in our small town (because they’re worthless). But the only reason I’ve been able to get that far is because over the past year or so of similar occasional dates and what not, I’ve finally started to accept it in a way like you described.

      It’s sometimes hard to swallow the “good things come to those who wait” and the “work on knowing and loving yourself” argument. BUT (in all seriousness, not my strong suit) over the past year I’ve really grown and become much more independent than ever before, and done things I’d never actually had the time (or desire) to do when I was chasing boys. Honestly, I’ve never been able to get them completely off my mind–especially the bad ones– but slowly but surely they’ve gone from center stage to barely peeping out of the curtain.

      And, in case you couldn’t tell, I love cats… So I’d LOVE to be catnip for boys. Wait… is that counterproductive though? I really don’t get this whole dating thing. At least I have my cat.

      • Oh I am SO glad I have a cat. Having someone to come home to – someone who’s always glad to see me and wants to cuddle – is the best thing ever.

        More unsolicited advice: I truly believe that people attract the relationships they want and/or think they deserve – so if you and your roommates can’t “keep a relationship”, maybe you’re inadvertently drawing the wrong people to you.

        With me, I had a long while where I wanted a happy long term relationship but was secretly afraid that there’s no such thing (my marriage went bad, after all, and I know so many relationshipped people who seem miserable). Therefore the universe kept sending me boys who weren’t up for a commitment at all, thus sparing me that eventual, inevitable breakup I so feared. I worked on myself and convinced myself that I CAN TOO have something happy and long-term, and pretty soon after that I met my boy. Just sayin’.

        ” over the past year I’ve really grown and become much more independent than ever before, and done things I’d never actually had the time (or desire) to do when I was chasing boys. ”

        This statement makes me happy. I experienced the same thing when I was boy-less (after I got past the whole “OMG I NEED TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP” panic thing), and the feeling was INCREDIBLE. I had freedom and adventures and self-knowledge! I want every cool single chick in the world to have that. Rock on, woman!

  3. Glad to have you back.
    Great stuff.

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