Category Archives: Beards

22 Reasons to Hate a Hipster

The new “Hipster” Craze makes me angry to a degree that’s intensity is only rivaled by the way I feel when 17 year old girls INSIST Twilight is valuable literature and I just don’t get what Edward and Bella have, and whenever I hear Nickelback on the radio. (These are the two reasons I avoid high schoolers and the radio at all times) These people really think they’re hip. But guess what? They’re not. And so, along with the 34092834 other kajillion people out there who hate Hipsters, I plan to blog about the things they do/say/like/are/wear that makes me want to vom. Yes I am aware that there are not that many people on the planet, but I am also privy to information that all the other intelligent life in the solar system as well as cats hate them too. Even the cats owned by hipsters.

1) The haircuts. Ain’t nothing FASHIONABLE about a FASHION mullet. Talking to you, Kristen Stewart…

2) Wayfarers, and the way they ruined them for the rest of us. I used to wear mine when it WASN’T cool to look like you were time travelling in from the 80s, now y’all wear them all the time. I don’t want to be associated with that, I want to be associated with Tom Cruise in Risky Business. Not Fashion Mullets and Parliaments.

If you see him, RUN.

3) THEY’RE ALL SKINNY. SOOOOO skinny. Even the boys. I don’t like skinny boys, I HATE skinny girls, and I don’t ever think its attractive to look like you’re deprived of essential nutrients. Skinny people always look a little unhappy, and I guess Hipsters are dying to be unhappy all the time. This is America, and if you have enough money for that American Apparel t-shirt that was entirely too expensive and made under the watch of a raging sexist, you most certainly have enough money for a cheesy double beef burrito. But I guess you wouldn’t know, cause Patriotism isn’t hip with the Hipsters.

4) Pardon me, Hipster, but you have stolen my brew of choice… Pabst Blue Ribbon. I drank PBR cause it was CHEAP and more palatable than Milwaukee’s Beast. And I ENJOYED it. Now yall drink it cause some other worthless Hipster told you to, and now PBR sales are skyrocketing. Maybe if Hipsters knew that PBR was the most American drink in America, they’d quit drinking it.

5) Dov Charney of American Apparel. This guy is a creep, and all who buy his clothes are creepers by proxy. Ipso facto, Hipsters are creeps. And by creeps I mean “sexually exploitative perverts with a massive superiority complex” as exhibited by this Business Week article.

6) THIS hoodie, also by American Apparel. I love a good beard, and I love a good Burt-Reynolds-in-Best-Little-Whorehouse-in-Texas style mustache… If it is real and attached to your face. Many of the Boy Hipsters can’t grow facial hair because God won’t let them. God loves men with beards a little extra, and God does in fact love Hipsters a little less. (My dad’s a preacher, he’s got a direct line to the Man.)

7) These Guys. (Thanks, LATF, for being a badass website as well as letting me shamelessly steal this link.)

8) Hipster’s attempts at cool facial hair. Mutton chops are only sexy on Confederate Generals and Melvin “Mutton Chops” McGee. Neither of which are Hipsters, cause they believe in tons and tons of violence as well as being respectful of women. (look… one of the wayfarer wearing ones snuck in here again…How in Sam Hell do I make that go away?)

9) They insist Macs are better than PCs. I know a lot of non-Hipsters do that too, but it just really gets my goat when it’s someone who is thin and wearing a flannel shirt in August in Central Georgia. That is neither logical nor ironic… Fail.

10) Tight pants only look good on David Bowie as the Goblin King in Labyrinth. And Prince, of course.

11) They won’t even admit they’re Hipsters. Just ask The Hipster Olympics.

Remove Yassar Arafat Scarf and Apathy, then become my friend.

12) Androgyny. I’m all about it when it’s David Bowie or the Lead Singer of the Eurythmics (still not entirely convinced Annie Lennox is a girl), but take the glitter out of the affair and I’m not so into it. I want to know who’s who and what’s what and who’s got what. I don’t like it when I see a whole pack of hipster friends and I can’t tell if they’re boys or girls and they’re all making out. But then again, Hipsters LOVE PDA too. Gross.

13) The substitution of the word “DECK” for “COOL.” People that are wayyyy cooler than us have been saying “cool” for a long time, and I don’t want to buck that trend. Plus have you ever fallen off a deck? NOT cool.

14) Mustache tattoos on fingers. Not cute. Grow one, or buy a stick on one, or just color one on your finger if that’s your way of being cheeky and clever. Remember, your grandkids are gonna ask you about that one day, and History is written by the WINNERS… Which probably won’t be wimpy hipsters with mustache tattoos on fingers. Such are the spoils of war.

15) PLAID, PLAID, EVERYWHERE! You’ll get it when you see a whole pack of them together. Frightening.

16) Pitchfork. It’s a breeding ground of musical self-importance and a celebration of all the “deck” things they are into, like polaroids at a concert (cool when you’re not a hipster) and who’s got the deckest album cover for their strange deck music.

17) The obsession with irony. No, as a matter of fact, it is not ironic that the tattoo on your back is the same as the one your grandpa got in the South Pacific with some Asian chick’s name on it and now you’re totally doing it with this Asian Hipster chick who’s name is unrelated and has never been to Asia… As a matter of fact, it’s not ironic because you planned the tattoo, and you probably wasted your money. Your Grandpa never heard the end of it from Grandma, and you never will either. Now THAT’S ironic.

18) Dirty Dirty Dirty. I’ve rarely seen one who looks like it’s bathed within the past 5-7 days, and that’s just the way they want it. That makes their awesome hangover known to all mankind, so they can all bitch and moan about their headaches together while Barista-ing or doing whatever else they can do whilst looking like that and not working hard. I don’t get it.

19) Trust fund babies should be prettier than Hipsters. If I didn’t have to work for my money, I’d take all that time and work on looking good so I can attract people who look good and have more money. The Hipsters use the opposite logic, blow their money on PBR, shitty bands, and pot, and will probably become Homeless like the people they resemble. Hows THAT for some MORE irony?

20) The non-chalance of the whole thing. Caring about others is cool, get over it. That’s why people like nice people like Mother Theresa, and hate people like Hipsters.

21) For how different they all try to be, I really think they all just look the same. Thank God for Hipster Hunters, they really let you know the who’s who and what’s what of the often indistinguishable but always nauseating Hipster physiology.

NO CHANCE she grew that mustache or needs those glasses. And she DEFINITELY doesn't need those bangs.

22) EVERY HIPSTER WEARS GLASSES…. WTF?!?! There is absolutely NO way that a whole entire group of friends somehow–call it fate, destiny, what have you– all ironicall found each other but also just so happened to be visually impaired. Sorry, your IQ’s aren’t high enough and there aren’t enough Asians in America. Something smells fishy about this one, and I’ve seen glasses without prescriptions for sale at Urban Outfitters…

So, there’s my rant on Hipsters. Yeah, I mean, I’m all for doing what you want to do and being who you really are in this world of superficiality and such… But please at least be funny or cute or of some kind of greater worth to the society. Maybe if Hipsters were making changes like the Hippies, or contributing to the art world like the Beatniks, I’d be into it. But really they’re just stealing and perverting “recycling” other generation’s trends and “making them their own” when really it just makes no logical sense, nor does it flatter my body type. Or anyone else’s for that matter. There are reasons the Members Only jacket went away, along with neon spandex and zip-up hoodies.

Because they SUCK. And that’s going to be the same reason Hipsters go away too. How ironic.

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Filed under ...Talking to you..., Beards, humor, life, musings, pop culture, Shameless Prince References, Uncategorized, Wasting my time...

Day #4: Beards (YES!)

I mean, not to sound crass or anything, but I’m getting way popular on the interwebs. My mother told me never to brag about my infinite amounts of awesome be humble, BUT, I’ve already had over 60 views before 11 PM… which is way more than the last 3 days! After all these views and all these great comments, I’m feeling good about this, I just hope I don’t run out of funny before you kids run out of interest. Self-doubt engage in 5…4…3…2…1…

Reason #7852 Why I Don’t Have A Boyfriend: My insatiable quest for a man with the perfect BEARD.

To me, you are perfect.

There are many things a girl learns to find attractive in her formative years, and I have absolutely no idea where any of mine came from. Ask any little Susie KindergartenPants who she wants to marry, and if she doesn’t say Miley Cyrus (one of the main things that creep me out) chances are she’ll describe a Brad Pitt/Matt Damon/Ben Affleck-esque form of Man Perfection. And more power to her, those dudes are hot and rich. Two qualities I find very attractive, but just haven’t clawed their way up to my #1. The reason? I have an unhealthy obsession with beards.

Maybe it’s because I watched a lot of Jeramiah Johnson as a child. Maybe its because I’m the spawn of a preacher-man and I spent a lot of time looking at pictures of Moses, Sampson, and other bearded Israelites. Maybe it’s because I was convinced that Karl Marx was the smartest man of all time. Somewhere, somehow, I found beards to be extremely sexy. Like, I’d rather you have a beard than be able to drive a car or kill roaches. It’s LOVE. Pure, unadulterated, bearded love.

I KNOW RIGHT?!?!?!?! Who in their right mind, in 2010, when MANSCAPING is so in, finds BEARDS to be attractive??? Me. I am the person odd enough to think that someone having LARGE AMOUNTS OF COARSE HAIR GROWING OFF OF HIS VISAGE makes someone more attractive. Its disgusting. And I love it. Like GoGurt. You know its wrong, but you just want to squeeze it/rub it on your face anyway (sorry for what THAT just sounded like).

It’s a problem. And you know what? I don’t want to solve it. But there is one major reason this is keeping me from finding a boyfriend: I won’t settle. I’ve tried. The first guy I dated in college had THE. PERFECT. BEARD. My father hated him, but the day he dumped me we broke up my blessed Dad (a beard-sporter himself) said “Well he did have one hell of a beard.” I then dated a skinny hippie with a skinny excuse for a beard… I was happier when he shaved. Dry spell…..wait for it…dry spell… Then a red-head with a pathetic excuse for a beard *CoughCough NECKBEARD CoughCough* and an even more pathetic excuse for dumping me… Dry spell…wait for it…dry spell…. wait for it… Oh, wait, still in it.

There’s something about them. They’re so manly. I hate traditional gender roles. I’m a sociology major, I’m above it… But I do expect my man to be (or at least look like) the Brawny Man. All I want is a badass personality and an even more badass beard. I would even almost consider dating someone thinner than me (giant mistake… talking to you, skinny hippie) again if he could fulfill that promise. Just FYI, I’m going to start accepting any applications from bearded bloggers/bloggers with the ability to grow a beard/ bloggers with bearded sons/ bloggers with sons who have the ability to grow a beard. For real. Shameless, I know, but this way is not working.

Let’s say I find Beardy McPerfect. It would go exactly like this. We’d go on a few dates. I’d look beautiful, giggle, and casually compliment on his beard by date #2 (you’ve got to keep them guessing, I’d be so afraid to run him off in all his bearded perfection) and he’d say, “Oh really? Well, Love, I’m 99.9% sure we’re soul mates and should get married immediately. But as a test, would you agree to marry me at the World Beard and Mustache Championships on May 11th, 2011 in Trondheim Norway?” And I’d say, “Yes, My Perfect-Bearded-Brawny-Man (who may or may not be thinner than me) I will marry you in Trondheim”… then he’d win the championship, we’d live together in a perfect house, listen to Ray LaMontagne (great beard) all the time, watch a lot of Jeramiah Johnson, read a lot of Allen Ginsberg (yeah, Jew Beards!) and then we’d have about 38490238 bearded sons to bless the women of the future-world with beards. That’s the life.

Again, Reason #7852 Why I Don’t Have A Boyfriend: My insatiable quest for a man with the perfect BEARD.

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Filed under ...Talking to you..., Beards, humor, life, lifestyle, MME (My Miserable Exes), MPM (My Perfect Man), Obsessions, Reasons I Don't Have a Boyfriend