Category Archives: Cat Lady

The universe has it out for me.

I know I’ve been missing for a long time. I will explain tomorrow, because that will be the first day in literally a month that I have free time. I know, right?

Anyway. I needed to tell this to the world.

I found an awesome website, Cute Boys with Cats. Sounds like my dream come true, right? Wrong. They’re all hipsters. Shit.

I’m having a serious life re-evaluation.

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Filed under Cat Lady, F*ckin HIPSTERS, MPM (My Perfect Man), Obsessions, Reasons I Don't Have a Boyfriend, Uncategorized, Wasting my time...

Baby, I STUMBLE for ya…

First day back and I think things are going well. Then I realized that 3 people landed on my site because they searched “Girls with Beards” and/or “Will cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie make me look like more of a badass?” Good to know there are other people on God’s Green Earth who think about the same things as I do. Please know that you are welcome here, and I will try my damndest to make you minimally aware of how hard I am judging you. And to answer what it is you’re seeking– dudes don’t typically want to do it with go for chicks with beards. And cutting the sleeves off your Snuggie will not make you look like a badass. Its called “The Blanket with Sleeves,” not “The Blanket WITHOUT Sleeves.” Because if it didn’t have sleeves… It’d just be a blanket.

Surely y’all have heard of StumbleUpon. In case you’re like our other friends in the Cambodian Fishing Villages or living in the Mars Craters, StumbleUpon is quite possibly one of the most ingenius inventions on the Interwebz. You check little boxes telling it what you’re into, and it just like…FINDS these webpages for you that it thinks you’ll be interested in. So, essentially, you are “Stumbling Upon” them. Clever, if you will. And I will.

Now, as ingenius as StumbleUpon is, it is my biggest FRENEMY. StumbleUpon has introduced me to some really awesome stuff that really turns my friends on (like this SNOWFLAKE MAKER that kids on drugs just can’t resist) and gets me much-needed cool points. But, for all the hilarious cartoons and trivia facts, StumbleUpon has really made it clear to me that I am an absolute nightmare of a human being and my life is in far, far worse condition than I previously thought. You know, like the fact that it gives me links to things like “Magnificent Cat Tummies” and I look at the whole damn thing… and like it.

StumbleUpon introduced me to this... Which Kitty and I plan to ask for for Graduation.

Don’t believe me? I won’t tell you what my checked categories are (trust me… it’s horrifying.Its like they know exactly what you want before you even know you want it.  They actually SUGGESTED to me that I start StumblingUpon cats since apparently I “liked” everything cat-related. Huh.) but here are the first 10 pages that I will StumbleUpon. Prepare to block me from your blogs in 5…4…3…2…1…

1) HOW TO CLEAN YOUR OWL: Complete with PICTURE!

2) COOKING BY NUMBERS: You select the things you have; it makes you a recipe. This could lead to serious obesity and food poisoning based on the things in the pantry in MMH; but I’m balling on a budget so I’m definitely liking this one.

3) LAO TZU QUOTES: I mean… Even StumbleUpon knows I need a little guidance… But she DOESN’T know that I’m a little scared of Asians. HA!

4) SPEEDY PETE?: I’ve never been to this site, but these are some incredibly amazing pictures of  drunk people with cups and such balanced on their drunk as a skunk passed out heads/faces. I mean, I’m already friends with enough drunks, but I definitely want to be friends with the pranksters.

5) INTERESTING CAVES: Self explanatory.

6) WINE GLASS: This is a picture of an ad for a wine glass that fits a whole bottle in the glass… because “Drinking wine from a glass is classier than drinking from a bottle.” Well put, you drunk bitch. Why don’t they sell these on infomercials? I’d totally get one if they were some kind of BOGO.

7) BRIAN TURNWALD: I hate people who aren’t handicapped who park in handicapped spaces. This guy does that. Ipso facto, I hate this guy. HOW DOES STUMBLE KNOW THAT???? Better yet, who is this guy who is so freaking angry he made a whole page out of this? Righteous anger, no doubt… but still a little extreme… Well, right on, sisterbrotherstranger.

Gee...Thanks StumbleUpon... You really shouldn't have.

8) SOME BEARS: Self explanatory. This is a picture of a real bear and a teddy bear, in sepia tones. WTF? Still liking it. (BTW I know that keeps turning into some lame-o smiley dude in Wayfarers… Can’t make it stop auto correcting, so lets just let him shine on.)

9)HEDGEHOG SHAPED CHEESE GRATER: I’ve always wanted a pet hedgehog (they’re illegal in GA… pout.) and I love to grate cheese. StumbleUpon really just… GETS me.

10) AHHH!: Frightening.  I mean, she’s adorable if you know what to expect. But if not; terrifying. I need to tell StumbleUpon that they cannot do this to me unless they want my roommates to StumbleUpon a heart attack victim.

Now that I said I’m only gonna do 10 of these, I can’t seem to stop. That’s why Stumble is my Frenemy to the max. Sometimes I can’t seem to drag myself away, even if my coffee has kicked in or I need to be getting ready for a meeting. Or just doing other important things, like applying for graduate schools or writing love letters to Robert Redford. StumbleUpon makes me think I am actually getting something accomplished because I can post millions of insignificant links on millions of insignificant people’s walls. But I can’t lie. The only way I’ll be able to quit Stumbling like I do is if I stop making awesome grades (DOUBTFUL) or if I find a boyfriend (which will be close to impossible because of my debilitating Stumbling Habit and my love affair for cats which is only further enabled by my MOMster and Stumbling so hard) in the immediate future. Not likely.

And trust me… I do NOT want to be stuck Stumbling across videos of cats and pumpkins when MPM (My Perfect Man) walks in.

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Filed under Best Ideas Ever, Cat Lady, humor, Lazy, life, MMH (My Miserable House), MPM (My Perfect Man), Obsessions, Reasons I Don't Have a Boyfriend, Uncategorized, Wasting my time...

Lucy… You got some ‘splainin to do…

I believe this kid's miz costume conveys *just* how sorry I am.

Well, I guess from the offset I should begin this way: I’m sorry. I’m sorry to the 6 or so people who actually got a kick out of my ramblings. Sorry to my little bloggy-blog which I actually thought would somehow remind me to write in it. Sorry to me, cause I actually convinced myself I would be able to do this without any dedication, provocation, or sobriety. Your little “where did you go-es” and occasional checks back have brought me back into the fold; and please accept me as the prodigal son returned to reap his fortune. Or really just the chick with too much time on her hands and a desire to make a few people laugh because of her unfortunate life.

Onward and upward. I will try to reinstate myself in this space (and I totally understand if you won’t have me back… Shoes don’t stretch, men don’t change, and cheaters always cheat… I’m guilty of being once-bitten twice-shy as well, friends) without any glittering promises of actually doing this daily or of making you lose 5 lbs by eating more. Actually, I quit blogging and GAINED 5 pounds. What in Sam Hell is that all about?

Now, I guess I could just give you a brief run-through of where I’ve been the past 7 months. I’ll harken back to some of these times with stories and a Sarah Palin-esque teary-eyed nostalgia; but in hindsight, I don’t think they’re as entertaining as the other foul and menial things that surround me today. Here we go.

January: Started a blog, cat got declawed, quit blogging, school started. Rampant drinking binges ensued. Roommate got another cat… Still no boyfriend or ability to see through clothing. On the upside, Bad Romance played on the radio about 42 billion times. It may or may not have snowed in Georgia.

February: Still drinking, still had a cat. Threw the “Second Annual Singles Only” Valentines Day Party at my house… Ended the night drinking with my cat. Got elected Student Body Secretary; even though I am highly unqualified for the job. I’m just popular and I look some-what good in a skirt. Or at least better than the competition, but he’s no skirt-chaser (which probably affected his chances at winning in my SUPERCONSERVATIVE College Town) and looks like Squidward from SpongeBob. Then I went to Uganda for two weeks, almost died in a plane crash on the way home. That was cool. And by “cool” I mean “absolutely horrifying because I am completely self-obsessed and I watch a lot of LOST and just didn’t think it was my time to go so I said the F-Word in front of about 20 preachers and rude Europeans and haven’t completely gotten over it.”

March: Nothing much to write home about. Still got a cat, still don’t got a boyfriend. Started looking at Graduate Schools because I’m paranoid about my future. Please note at this phase in my life, Grad School was 15 months away. Oh, and visiting Grad Schools was my Spring Break. The

Speedy Pete, in all his glory.

decrepit alcoholic in me was horrified when I told him we wouldn’t be hitting the Jersey Shore. For the record, his name is “Speedy Pete.”

April: Had a few minor life crises trying to rule the world… But I ended the semester with a 4.0. SHOCKING. Seriously. I don’t “do” good grades; my arguement to my parents has always been that I’m in it for the “experience.” Apparently being delightfully average isn’t going to cut it any more. Guess what? Still no boyfriend. Also won an award on campus for being “Greek Leader of the Year” that was a giant Bobcat cast in bronze that weighed like 20 lbs and resembled more of an Owl. Talk about my student dollars at work…

May: Took a Freshman English class for the Summer Semester, blew some kids minds with my knowledge. Didn’t blow any hard enough to find a boyfriend though… Guess the train won’t stop in CougarTown till August. Also visited 3 Confederate Forts within 3 days; which is like pornography for me. In my time of absense, my formerly impassioned love for the State of Georgia has become something so fierce and uncontainable that I should probably get checked out… I guess Wisdom, Justice, and Moderation is my Boyfriend.

June: I don’t want to talk about it.

July: Celebrated the cat’s 1st birthay… Reason #54025 I don’t have a boyfriend. In fact, Celebrated 1 full year of being totally and completely single. WAAAAH-WAAAAAHHH. Celebrated America’s 324th Birthday with dazzling redneckness. Started back to my summer classes. Rearranged my room at My Miserable House (MMH) and have committed to making a life change again.Seriously. I’ve gotten fat and I’ve got no money. I’ve gotta make some changes; and I’d like to re-start here on the interwebz.

Last time that lasted about 5 days; but I’m being a little less demanding of myself this time around. We already know that my former attempt crashed and burned, so lets hope this one will just do a few touch-n-go landings like my flight out of Entebbe. I stilhow l think I have the ability to be a little funnier. In fact, since going to Africa, I think I’ve gotten even a little more funnier (how you gon’ act, Grammar Nazis?) cause I saw some pretty nutty stuff. Nutty enough that I plan to go back again in December. So, look forward to some scary stories over the next 5 months of the creative/sketchy/self-destructive things I do to come up with $3000 to help some baby orphans.

On a parting note: I apologize again, a million times. I promise, promise, promise I am back. And I will love on you and yours until you can’t stand it and you have me back. And that’s not a threat– that’s a promise. I have a lot of extra time since I *still* don’t have a boyfriend and no longer have a means to fund Speedy Pete’s booze-hounding ways.

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Filed under Cat Lady, college, drinking, humor, life, MMH (My Miserable House), Not Being Skinny, Reasons I Don't Have a Boyfriend

Day #5: TOPicLESS TUESDAY!

So, I was too busy to come up with a topic to actually think about today; but I refuse to not post every day. So, I’ll try and give you a run down of my day. (And I know what you’re thinking, how in Sam Hell is she too busy to come up with a topic when we’ve seen all the random jank she talks about?!?! I know, friends… I’m ashamed too)

10:40 AM: Get woken up to kitty clawing my face; something he does sporadically throughout the night. Silently say a prayer of rejoice/thanksgiving that he will be spayed and declawed tomorrow morning, and decide to let him have his moment. *If you’re wondering why HE is getting spayed, feel free to ask, its a great story.*

11:00 AM: Drink some questionable coffee the parents left sitting out, realize about 30 minutes later that there must be a laxative in said Colombian Roast, decide to skip on the breakfast. Instead, I choose to watch Out Cold. You know its going to be a good day when you start out with Zach Galifinakis (Man of my dreams…)

12:30 PM: Finish the 49320 loads of laundry that have been piling up in my month’s stay at home. Its not like the MOMster would do anything sweet/motherly like do my laundry anyway; so I just suffered until it’s time to hit the dusty trail for My Miserable House. I also may or may not have broken the new washing machine, and we’re just hoping my parents think its their fault. I should be able to make a quick break away, they’ll never know.

12:30-4:00 PM: Organize the disaster zone that is my room/closet, pack my giganto suitcase, 3 duffel bags, giant tote, backpack, and laundry basket, place them in my car… which means clean out the car. In FREEZING weather. No seriously, it’s freezing in Georgia. And this hot mess didn’t have the sense to put on shoes when she loaded the car. Really? I’ll never live to see 30. Or if I do, it will be with frost-bitten appendages. We southerners do not know how to deal with this weather.

4:00 PM- 6:00 PM: Tell the MOMster to get a life, go to Wal-Mart, get eyebrows waxed. Not at Wal-Mart though… That would probably cause some kind of fungus or eye disease. Speaking of eye disease, I learned that if you get water in your eye in Africa, it will give you diarrhea. Nightmares… Anyway, come home with a red face and some new over-priced crappy make up… Fo free.

6:00-7:00 PM: Make my OWN dinner. At my last night at home. I swear they’re itching to get rid of me. Then they’ll cry and whine and bitch about me “never coming home” when I come home all the time. I know parents love their kids and all, but I’ve been gone for 3 years… It’s not like you miss the pitter-patter of my moody and food-consuming, pay-per-view buying, grocery money-wasting, credit card-stealing feet. Please get a life, you’re suffocating mine…

7:00-8:00 PM- Watch NATURE on GPTV (Georgia Public Television, currently known as GPB, or Georgia Public Broadcasting… but I don’t like change) with the kitty while he tries to catch birds on the screen. Shame that he’s going to wake up tomorrow afternoon with no claws and no idea what is going on. It’ll be like Memento, but with a cat.

8:00-Now: Watch Parenthood (excellent movie, especially the kid who runs around with a bucket on his head and bangs the walls… plus I have a thing for Steve Martin… Meow) followed by the Office. Then I fed the cat like 9 treats which apparently is terrible for them because thats like feeding a cat 9 McDonalds Double Cheese– which sounds more like my heaven than hell– and they can’t digest it all. But hey, he’s getting his claws and his mangina taken out, he deserves some treats! Now I’m blogging… Not just out of necessity but because I think everyone needs to know how amazingly worthless my day was.

I’m heading back to the Promised Land tomorrow… REAL adventures will soon begin. Sorry if this post was a big fat let-down; I’m getting more and more readers every day, and I’ll probably have to do some damage control after this crap.  Until then, I’ll leave you with a video or something to make me feel like I’m sharing something? It’s kitty’s favorite.

Peace and Buh-lessings; Peace and Buh-lessings.

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Filed under Cat Lady, humor, life, MMH (My Miserable House), MPM (My Perfect Man), TOPicLESS TUESDAY!, Wasting my time...

Day #3: Hey, Life Alert… It’s time you expand your consumer base!

A little aside: Day #2 had even more readers than Day #1, a number that was for reals closer to 100 than 0! This is both thrilling and unbelievable because my luck is about as irregular as Jamie Lee Curtis before Activia. Keep up the good work, kids!

This winter break, I decided to take a break from my college town and move back to the ‘burbs with my parents for about a month. There are about 8 good things about that decision and about 238329 terrible ones, but that’s another story for another day. One of the good things is that I’ve had a lot (and I mean A LOT) of time to watch TV. And we all know who watches weekday daytime T.V.

  • People who never went to college (and probably didn’t graduate high school) and thus are led to believe they could make millions from their own living room or that going to college in their pajamas is REALLY the best way to do it,
  • Stay-at-home-Moms (housewives, homemakers, whatever the term is) who may have a minute or two of peace to catch The Doctors or something else educational and gross before their monstrous children/husbands return, and
  • Old people.
  • One commercial that is clearly targeted marketing to the 70+ crowd? LIFE ALERT. We’ve all seen Nana struggling on the floor (and probably laughed at it once or twice, whether inside or out, especially if it was pre-2000’s new marketing campaign) with a lackluster “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” Button? Pushed. Help? On  the way. Best present you ever decided to force upon get your elderly parents? Life Alert.

    I have a serious, serious problem with this commercial. I am in my 20s, and I have a FAR greater need for Life Alert than my Nana. This woman is like an 80 year old Chuck Norris; she has fallen and she always gets up. The lady even moves her own furniture. I however, live a lifestyle that puts me and my 3 roommates at a far greater need for Life Alert. Some reasons include (but are not limited to the following): our 100-year-old 2-story house is made of wood with no insulation and has lead-based paint which keeps the windows sealed shut, we are poor and refuse to turn the gas on so we always use space heaters, the house has caught fire before, our entire flooring is original HARDwood which has been known to leave bruises and fractures on the asses/faces of drunk people, we’ve had gas leaks, and we live in a crime-infested college town historic district. It’s a veritable hell/shit hole disguised as a Southern Historic Home. Damned place doesn’t even have a driveway… and every day and night I spend there I am facing certain death.

    Hey, Life Alert, grab your trifocals and read between the lines… YOU COULD MAKE MILLIONS IF YOU’D EXPAND YOUR MICRO-SPECIFIC CONSUMER BASE!!! You could take full advantage of stupid college girls with deep pockets who live in crappy old college houses. In fact, if you expanded your marketing base away from Nana, you could probably catch every other Cat-Lady Hermit (read, me in 40 years) who is likely to fall and be found dead, half-eaten by her cat. You could reach all those people on HOARDERS who literally get stuck in their own trash mires. All those reclusive chess players and mathmeticians they convince brilliant actors to play have near-constant panic/anxiety attacks that would bring in some major money and publicity if they had life alert.

    You seem to forget, dear Life Alert, that hermits, recluses, drunkards, clinically insane persons, and cat ladies come in all shapes, ages, and sizes; and cats don’t have opposable thumbs to dial 911. In fact, they’d probably rather you die so you’d stop dressing them up as Santa and teaching them the dance moves to Bad Romance. I guarantee Life Alert that they’d make millions if they made a commercial with a drunk college kid Life Alerting the paramedics because he’s “busted ass” and he can’t get up. Or if they showed Antoine Fisher Life Alerting after he got beaten by that wet rag. Sure, they can sleep at night just a-waitin’ for the Baby Boomers, but there’s plenty of money to be made elsewhere.

    They claim to save a life every 26 minutes… They could make that every 13 minutes if they took my advice… and probably every 7 between the hours of 12 midnight and 4 AM. But go ahead, stick with your niche market. Just don’t be mad when I say “I told you so” next time my house catches on fire.

    http://www.lifealert.com/index.html

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    Filed under Best Ideas Ever, Cat Lady, college, drinking, humor, Lazy, life, musings

    Day #1: The Snuggie

    Reason #38947 Why I Don’t Have A Boyfriend: The Snuggie.

    Even Al's got one.

    We all know it, we all have an opinion about it. Snuggies are the perfect fad: they come in a wide variety of sizes, patterns and colors, and are species specific… not to mention they are the most stupidly brilliant invention. Snuggies really are “The Blanket With Sleeves”. If you don’t have one (first of all, you really ARE missing out) and live in a Cambodian fishing village and have never seen one, they are a gigantic fleece blanket with two holes cut out with sleeves attached– thus, a BLANKET with SLEEVES. Sheer, unadulterated, American-Authentic, lazy-man’s brilliance.

    I am guilty into playing in to nearly every fad that has come into existence in my life, including the Snuggie. As a broke college kid, I begged my mother to buy me a Snuggie when she came to visit me at school and took me to Wal-Mart. When she told me I may have to wait till Christmas, I rattled off a list of 13 different reasons why I needed my Snuggie NOW. My generous mother, bless her heart, let me take my Snuggie home and put it on that day.

    From Day #1, it was love. I put it on and I felt a deep, visceral satisfaction I hadn’t felt since the first time I saw Purple Rain on VHS. Snuggie and I started doing everything together. We played Harry Potter (it’s remarkable how much you can look like a Wizard in The Blanket With Sleeves), we played The Knights Who Say “Nee” (Stand on the bottom steps of a staircase in your snuggie, and you’ll understand), we pretended to be John Phillip Sousa and Princess Padme. Since there’s no heat in my house, I would wear Snuggie pinned at the small of my back before I got dressed and was getting ready. I would lay in bed under the covers with Snuggie. Snuggie and I were insta-soul mates.

    Then it hit me– Snuggie is yet another reason I don’t have a boyfriend. The list is long and consistent in its mercilessness; but Snuggie had to be chalked up to the list. No man wants a woman who would choose sit around covered in a blanket specifically designed so she can hold her cat and watch Purple Rain simultaneously. Women who find joy in pretending to be Professor Dumbledore don’t exactly send out siren-calls for life partners. Although I have many other vices, Snuggie is just another brick in the wall separating me from companionship.

    I’ve had a lot of boys come and go in my life thus far; most of whom I am not sad to have seen go… but I do know that if my Snuggie were to disappear today, I’d be a hell of a lot sadder about that than most of those men. So Snuggie, I hope that you don’t let the haters get you down, I hope you don’t fade into ADD Consumer Oblivion alongside Pogs and Beanie Babies, and I hope that you keep doing what you were made to do– make it simple comfortable, and cozy for me to snuggle with my cat (who I got because I don’t have a boyfriend) while watching a movie (which will make me sad because I don’t have a boyfriend) all the while staying nice and warm and resembling Hermione Granger (who eventually gets a boyfriend).

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    Filed under Al Roker Cameos, Best Ideas Ever, Cat Lady, Harry Potter, Obsessions, Reasons I Don't Have a Boyfriend, Shameless Prince References