I mean, not to sound crass or anything, but I’m getting way popular on the interwebs. My mother told me never to brag about my infinite amounts of awesome be humble, BUT, I’ve already had over 60 views before 11 PM… which is way more than the last 3 days! After all these views and all these great comments, I’m feeling good about this, I just hope I don’t run out of funny before you kids run out of interest. Self-doubt engage in 5…4…3…2…1…
Reason #7852 Why I Don’t Have A Boyfriend: My insatiable quest for a man with the perfect BEARD.
There are many things a girl learns to find attractive in her formative years, and I have absolutely no idea where any of mine came from. Ask any little Susie KindergartenPants who she wants to marry, and if she doesn’t say Miley Cyrus (one of the main things that creep me out) chances are she’ll describe a Brad Pitt/Matt Damon/Ben Affleck-esque form of Man Perfection. And more power to her, those dudes are hot and rich. Two qualities I find very attractive, but just haven’t clawed their way up to my #1. The reason? I have an unhealthy obsession with beards.
Maybe it’s because I watched a lot of Jeramiah Johnson as a child. Maybe its because I’m the spawn of a preacher-man and I spent a lot of time looking at pictures of Moses, Sampson, and other bearded Israelites. Maybe it’s because I was convinced that Karl Marx was the smartest man of all time. Somewhere, somehow, I found beards to be extremely sexy. Like, I’d rather you have a beard than be able to drive a car or kill roaches. It’s LOVE. Pure, unadulterated, bearded love.
I KNOW RIGHT?!?!?!?! Who in their right mind, in 2010, when MANSCAPING is so in, finds BEARDS to be attractive??? Me. I am the person odd enough to think that someone having LARGE AMOUNTS OF COARSE HAIR GROWING OFF OF HIS VISAGE makes someone more attractive. Its disgusting. And I love it. Like GoGurt. You know its wrong, but you just want to squeeze it/rub it on your face anyway (sorry for what THAT just sounded like).
It’s a problem. And you know what? I don’t want to solve it. But there is one major reason this is keeping me from finding a boyfriend: I won’t settle. I’ve tried. The first guy I dated in college had THE. PERFECT. BEARD. My father hated him, but the day he dumped me we broke up my blessed Dad (a beard-sporter himself) said “Well he did have one hell of a beard.” I then dated a skinny hippie with a skinny excuse for a beard… I was happier when he shaved. Dry spell…..wait for it…dry spell… Then a red-head with a pathetic excuse for a beard *CoughCough NECKBEARD CoughCough* and an even more pathetic excuse for dumping me… Dry spell…wait for it…dry spell…. wait for it… Oh, wait, still in it.
There’s something about them. They’re so manly. I hate traditional gender roles. I’m a sociology major, I’m above it… But I do expect my man to be (or at least look like) the Brawny Man. All I want is a badass personality and an even more badass beard. I would even almost consider dating someone thinner than me (giant mistake… talking to you, skinny hippie) again if he could fulfill that promise. Just FYI, I’m going to start accepting any applications from bearded bloggers/bloggers with the ability to grow a beard/ bloggers with bearded sons/ bloggers with sons who have the ability to grow a beard. For real. Shameless, I know, but this way is not working.
Let’s say I find Beardy McPerfect. It would go exactly like this. We’d go on a few dates. I’d look beautiful, giggle, and casually compliment on his beard by date #2 (you’ve got to keep them guessing, I’d be so afraid to run him off in all his bearded perfection) and he’d say, “Oh really? Well, Love, I’m 99.9% sure we’re soul mates and should get married immediately. But as a test, would you agree to marry me at the World Beard and Mustache Championships on May 11th, 2011 in Trondheim Norway?” And I’d say, “Yes, My Perfect-Bearded-Brawny-Man (who may or may not be thinner than me) I will marry you in Trondheim”… then he’d win the championship, we’d live together in a perfect house, listen to Ray LaMontagne (great beard) all the time, watch a lot of Jeramiah Johnson, read a lot of Allen Ginsberg (yeah, Jew Beards!) and then we’d have about 38490238 bearded sons to bless the women of the future-world with beards. That’s the life.
Again, Reason #7852 Why I Don’t Have A Boyfriend: My insatiable quest for a man with the perfect BEARD.