Category Archives: Not Being Skinny

Lucy… You got some ‘splainin to do…

I believe this kid's miz costume conveys *just* how sorry I am.

Well, I guess from the offset I should begin this way: I’m sorry. I’m sorry to the 6 or so people who actually got a kick out of my ramblings. Sorry to my little bloggy-blog which I actually thought would somehow remind me to write in it. Sorry to me, cause I actually convinced myself I would be able to do this without any dedication, provocation, or sobriety. Your little “where did you go-es” and occasional checks back have brought me back into the fold; and please accept me as the prodigal son returned to reap his fortune. Or really just the chick with too much time on her hands and a desire to make a few people laugh because of her unfortunate life.

Onward and upward. I will try to reinstate myself in this space (and I totally understand if you won’t have me back… Shoes don’t stretch, men don’t change, and cheaters always cheat… I’m guilty of being once-bitten twice-shy as well, friends) without any glittering promises of actually doing this daily or of making you lose 5 lbs by eating more. Actually, I quit blogging and GAINED 5 pounds. What in Sam Hell is that all about?

Now, I guess I could just give you a brief run-through of where I’ve been the past 7 months. I’ll harken back to some of these times with stories and a Sarah Palin-esque teary-eyed nostalgia; but in hindsight, I don’t think they’re as entertaining as the other foul and menial things that surround me today. Here we go.

January: Started a blog, cat got declawed, quit blogging, school started. Rampant drinking binges ensued. Roommate got another cat… Still no boyfriend or ability to see through clothing. On the upside, Bad Romance played on the radio about 42 billion times. It may or may not have snowed in Georgia.

February: Still drinking, still had a cat. Threw the “Second Annual Singles Only” Valentines Day Party at my house… Ended the night drinking with my cat. Got elected Student Body Secretary; even though I am highly unqualified for the job. I’m just popular and I look some-what good in a skirt. Or at least better than the competition, but he’s no skirt-chaser (which probably affected his chances at winning in my SUPERCONSERVATIVE College Town) and looks like Squidward from SpongeBob. Then I went to Uganda for two weeks, almost died in a plane crash on the way home. That was cool. And by “cool” I mean “absolutely horrifying because I am completely self-obsessed and I watch a lot of LOST and just didn’t think it was my time to go so I said the F-Word in front of about 20 preachers and rude Europeans and haven’t completely gotten over it.”

March: Nothing much to write home about. Still got a cat, still don’t got a boyfriend. Started looking at Graduate Schools because I’m paranoid about my future. Please note at this phase in my life, Grad School was 15 months away. Oh, and visiting Grad Schools was my Spring Break. The

Speedy Pete, in all his glory.

decrepit alcoholic in me was horrified when I told him we wouldn’t be hitting the Jersey Shore. For the record, his name is “Speedy Pete.”

April: Had a few minor life crises trying to rule the world… But I ended the semester with a 4.0. SHOCKING. Seriously. I don’t “do” good grades; my arguement to my parents has always been that I’m in it for the “experience.” Apparently being delightfully average isn’t going to cut it any more. Guess what? Still no boyfriend. Also won an award on campus for being “Greek Leader of the Year” that was a giant Bobcat cast in bronze that weighed like 20 lbs and resembled more of an Owl. Talk about my student dollars at work…

May: Took a Freshman English class for the Summer Semester, blew some kids minds with my knowledge. Didn’t blow any hard enough to find a boyfriend though… Guess the train won’t stop in CougarTown till August. Also visited 3 Confederate Forts within 3 days; which is like pornography for me. In my time of absense, my formerly impassioned love for the State of Georgia has become something so fierce and uncontainable that I should probably get checked out… I guess Wisdom, Justice, and Moderation is my Boyfriend.

June: I don’t want to talk about it.

July: Celebrated the cat’s 1st birthay… Reason #54025 I don’t have a boyfriend. In fact, Celebrated 1 full year of being totally and completely single. WAAAAH-WAAAAAHHH. Celebrated America’s 324th Birthday with dazzling redneckness. Started back to my summer classes. Rearranged my room at My Miserable House (MMH) and have committed to making a life change again.Seriously. I’ve gotten fat and I’ve got no money. I’ve gotta make some changes; and I’d like to re-start here on the interwebz.

Last time that lasted about 5 days; but I’m being a little less demanding of myself this time around. We already know that my former attempt crashed and burned, so lets hope this one will just do a few touch-n-go landings like my flight out of Entebbe. I stilhow l think I have the ability to be a little funnier. In fact, since going to Africa, I think I’ve gotten even a little more funnier (how you gon’ act, Grammar Nazis?) cause I saw some pretty nutty stuff. Nutty enough that I plan to go back again in December. So, look forward to some scary stories over the next 5 months of the creative/sketchy/self-destructive things I do to come up with $3000 to help some baby orphans.

On a parting note: I apologize again, a million times. I promise, promise, promise I am back. And I will love on you and yours until you can’t stand it and you have me back. And that’s not a threat– that’s a promise. I have a lot of extra time since I *still* don’t have a boyfriend and no longer have a means to fund Speedy Pete’s booze-hounding ways.

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Filed under Cat Lady, college, drinking, humor, life, MMH (My Miserable House), Not Being Skinny, Reasons I Don't Have a Boyfriend

Day #2: SPANX (A love letter, essentially.)

So before we begin, I consider Day #1 a success. I had around 40 people check me out, and considering I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m just going to round that up to 100 and feel accomplished. So, you first 100 viewers, thank you for making me feel like a RockStar. Or BlogStar. And now, for something completely different…

To Sara Blakely, Founder of Spanx, The Greatest Invention of All Time, With Love, Gratitude, and Devotion:

You may not know us, and most of us may not know you; but we are the ones who owe you a debt far greater than the (in my opinion, ridiculous) $35-40 you originially charged us for your wunder-vention… SPANX. In case you forgot, YOU invented the ultimate union of Physics and Fashion; underclothes that really do make people skinner. Not only did you invent WONDER-wear, you invented MAGIC.

See, My Darling Sara (may I call you darling? I mean, you’ve been under my clothes sporadically for 6 months now) you brought self-esteem back to so many women’s lives. I, for one, know that if something bulges a little in my little dress, my SPANX will keep me flat looking and fab feeling (minus a little short on breath and circulation). And that is how it is MAGIC… I do not have to lose weight. I do not have to get my clothing altered. I do not have to wear underwear either. I just have to put a little muscle into getting them on, then poof… Skinny. You’re like a fairy godmother, but with golden locks, super-smarts, and a skinny bod (which may or may not be an illusion, but we’ll never know, so I’ll just continue to consider you the best Lady who ain’t Gaga)… THANX, SPANX!

Celebrities who added a little juggle to their wiggle *CoughCough TYRA BANKS CoughCough* sang your praises and even showed SPANX off on the red carpet. Celebrities the size of toothpicks *CoughCough POSH SPICE CoughCough* wore your WONDER-pants because they weren’t feeling quite as waif-ish as usual. But your magic is not wasted on just crazy/vapid celebrities and lazy college students like yours truly. No, My Precious Sara (may I call you precious? I mean, I cried once when I thought my Spanx were ruined in the drier) you brought the magic back into dressing up for women every where.

Although some ladies haven’t gotten the memo on the smoothing wonders of SPANX … I’m talking to you, Ladies (?) of the Jersey Shore… I know countless women who know that they feel better about themselves in their Spanx. You have given us courage to wear our shimmy-shimmy-shake dresses a little smaller, and to crank up the sassitude when we see our exes for the first time. Your magic is not just scientific, it’s emotional. Although nearly half of my heart wants to scream at you and applaud you for being the most brilliant and rich sado-masochist of all time; the slightly larger (and lovesick) majority of my heart wants to give everyone everywhere their own pair of SPANX.

So, Darling Precious Sara, let me thank you again, from the bottom of my lazy/vain heart. Please, never ever stop making your WONDER-pants that will forever allow women like me to defer their dreams of real skinny; and will also provide me with the thrill of wondering when/where/how the SPANX will secretly and quickly come off, perchance Mr. RightNow decides to come over for a snuggle… as well as the thrill of knowing he’ll never know he’s been fooled.

Love, Your Forever Friend and Lover (but only if you want to be) with Undying, Perpetual Devotion.

...and we thought the underwear from "Superstar" was as big as it gets for Molly.

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