Category Archives: Obsessions

The universe has it out for me.

I know I’ve been missing for a long time. I will explain tomorrow, because that will be the first day in literally a month that I have free time. I know, right?

Anyway. I needed to tell this to the world.

I found an awesome website, Cute Boys with Cats. Sounds like my dream come true, right? Wrong. They’re all hipsters. Shit.

I’m having a serious life re-evaluation.

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Filed under Cat Lady, F*ckin HIPSTERS, MPM (My Perfect Man), Obsessions, Reasons I Don't Have a Boyfriend, Uncategorized, Wasting my time...

Insomnia. And by “Insomnia,” I mean “Marry me, Ira Glass.”

I can’t sleep. I HATE not being able to sleep. Plus my skin feels all weird and I don’t know why. I might need to go see a professional.

Me.

I got a Twitter last night. I don’t know if I got the Twitter cause I can’t sleep, or I can’t sleep because I got the Twitter. This bed ain’t big enough for the three of us, so one of us is gonna have to make like a baby and head out. This is becoming a recurring problem more and more as of late, and I’m getting sick of it. I don’t have too many looks to spare, and not sleeping takes all the looks I have to spare and then some. Not to mention I become a complete bitch.

A Showtime Original...Sorta.

To try and rectify this situation, I’ve been watching repeat episodes of the short-lived but brilliant Showtime adaptation of This American Life. Granted, I’ve seen them all and listen to old editions online all the time (I can’t get enough of David Sedaris, and he’s such a freaking hermit he makes it worse) but I always see something new. You know what I saw for the first time this go-round? Prepare to be shocked.

I’M IN LOVE! I’m in love and I don’t care who knows it. Problem is? I’m in love with Ira Glass. Look at him. He’s adorable and perfect and supersmart and has a great little voice and cutie little glasses and hes just a nerdy-nerdy-dweeb-pants (who is more than welcome in my pants). Sure, hes… a little thin and beardless and a Yankee and married to some foreign chick and 29 years older than me and probably not remotely aware that I exist but if he was would most undoubtedly be completely interested… but I’m still in love. I even follow him on Twitter. Which means at least 50% of this relationship is completely committed. I like my odds.

And, if watching him exude the most intellectual handsomeness EVER for both seasons of TAL and hearing his smooth and perfectperfectperfect voice flood your ears over the interwebz radiowaves doesn’t do it for you… This will. Hello, Ira. So glad to have you in my dreams… if I ever fall asleep.

True love waits. Wait for me, Ira!

End note that is completely unrelated to Ira Glass: go ahead and Google Image either “yawn” or “yawning.” You’ll be shocked/horrified/squeal-overloaded once you see how many pictures of yawning babies and cats there are. You’re welcome.

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Filed under MPM (My Perfect Man), Obsessions, Please just love me., pop culture, Uncategorized

Baby, I STUMBLE for ya…

First day back and I think things are going well. Then I realized that 3 people landed on my site because they searched “Girls with Beards” and/or “Will cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie make me look like more of a badass?” Good to know there are other people on God’s Green Earth who think about the same things as I do. Please know that you are welcome here, and I will try my damndest to make you minimally aware of how hard I am judging you. And to answer what it is you’re seeking– dudes don’t typically want to do it with go for chicks with beards. And cutting the sleeves off your Snuggie will not make you look like a badass. Its called “The Blanket with Sleeves,” not “The Blanket WITHOUT Sleeves.” Because if it didn’t have sleeves… It’d just be a blanket.

Surely y’all have heard of StumbleUpon. In case you’re like our other friends in the Cambodian Fishing Villages or living in the Mars Craters, StumbleUpon is quite possibly one of the most ingenius inventions on the Interwebz. You check little boxes telling it what you’re into, and it just like…FINDS these webpages for you that it thinks you’ll be interested in. So, essentially, you are “Stumbling Upon” them. Clever, if you will. And I will.

Now, as ingenius as StumbleUpon is, it is my biggest FRENEMY. StumbleUpon has introduced me to some really awesome stuff that really turns my friends on (like this SNOWFLAKE MAKER that kids on drugs just can’t resist) and gets me much-needed cool points. But, for all the hilarious cartoons and trivia facts, StumbleUpon has really made it clear to me that I am an absolute nightmare of a human being and my life is in far, far worse condition than I previously thought. You know, like the fact that it gives me links to things like “Magnificent Cat Tummies” and I look at the whole damn thing… and like it.

StumbleUpon introduced me to this... Which Kitty and I plan to ask for for Graduation.

Don’t believe me? I won’t tell you what my checked categories are (trust me… it’s horrifying.Its like they know exactly what you want before you even know you want it.  They actually SUGGESTED to me that I start StumblingUpon cats since apparently I “liked” everything cat-related. Huh.) but here are the first 10 pages that I will StumbleUpon. Prepare to block me from your blogs in 5…4…3…2…1…

1) HOW TO CLEAN YOUR OWL: Complete with PICTURE!

2) COOKING BY NUMBERS: You select the things you have; it makes you a recipe. This could lead to serious obesity and food poisoning based on the things in the pantry in MMH; but I’m balling on a budget so I’m definitely liking this one.

3) LAO TZU QUOTES: I mean… Even StumbleUpon knows I need a little guidance… But she DOESN’T know that I’m a little scared of Asians. HA!

4) SPEEDY PETE?: I’ve never been to this site, but these are some incredibly amazing pictures of  drunk people with cups and such balanced on their drunk as a skunk passed out heads/faces. I mean, I’m already friends with enough drunks, but I definitely want to be friends with the pranksters.

5) INTERESTING CAVES: Self explanatory.

6) WINE GLASS: This is a picture of an ad for a wine glass that fits a whole bottle in the glass… because “Drinking wine from a glass is classier than drinking from a bottle.” Well put, you drunk bitch. Why don’t they sell these on infomercials? I’d totally get one if they were some kind of BOGO.

7) BRIAN TURNWALD: I hate people who aren’t handicapped who park in handicapped spaces. This guy does that. Ipso facto, I hate this guy. HOW DOES STUMBLE KNOW THAT???? Better yet, who is this guy who is so freaking angry he made a whole page out of this? Righteous anger, no doubt… but still a little extreme… Well, right on, sisterbrotherstranger.

Gee...Thanks StumbleUpon... You really shouldn't have.

8) SOME BEARS: Self explanatory. This is a picture of a real bear and a teddy bear, in sepia tones. WTF? Still liking it. (BTW I know that keeps turning into some lame-o smiley dude in Wayfarers… Can’t make it stop auto correcting, so lets just let him shine on.)

9)HEDGEHOG SHAPED CHEESE GRATER: I’ve always wanted a pet hedgehog (they’re illegal in GA… pout.) and I love to grate cheese. StumbleUpon really just… GETS me.

10) AHHH!: Frightening.  I mean, she’s adorable if you know what to expect. But if not; terrifying. I need to tell StumbleUpon that they cannot do this to me unless they want my roommates to StumbleUpon a heart attack victim.

Now that I said I’m only gonna do 10 of these, I can’t seem to stop. That’s why Stumble is my Frenemy to the max. Sometimes I can’t seem to drag myself away, even if my coffee has kicked in or I need to be getting ready for a meeting. Or just doing other important things, like applying for graduate schools or writing love letters to Robert Redford. StumbleUpon makes me think I am actually getting something accomplished because I can post millions of insignificant links on millions of insignificant people’s walls. But I can’t lie. The only way I’ll be able to quit Stumbling like I do is if I stop making awesome grades (DOUBTFUL) or if I find a boyfriend (which will be close to impossible because of my debilitating Stumbling Habit and my love affair for cats which is only further enabled by my MOMster and Stumbling so hard) in the immediate future. Not likely.

And trust me… I do NOT want to be stuck Stumbling across videos of cats and pumpkins when MPM (My Perfect Man) walks in.

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Filed under Best Ideas Ever, Cat Lady, humor, Lazy, life, MMH (My Miserable House), MPM (My Perfect Man), Obsessions, Reasons I Don't Have a Boyfriend, Uncategorized, Wasting my time...

Day #4: Beards (YES!)

I mean, not to sound crass or anything, but I’m getting way popular on the interwebs. My mother told me never to brag about my infinite amounts of awesome be humble, BUT, I’ve already had over 60 views before 11 PM… which is way more than the last 3 days! After all these views and all these great comments, I’m feeling good about this, I just hope I don’t run out of funny before you kids run out of interest. Self-doubt engage in 5…4…3…2…1…

Reason #7852 Why I Don’t Have A Boyfriend: My insatiable quest for a man with the perfect BEARD.

To me, you are perfect.

There are many things a girl learns to find attractive in her formative years, and I have absolutely no idea where any of mine came from. Ask any little Susie KindergartenPants who she wants to marry, and if she doesn’t say Miley Cyrus (one of the main things that creep me out) chances are she’ll describe a Brad Pitt/Matt Damon/Ben Affleck-esque form of Man Perfection. And more power to her, those dudes are hot and rich. Two qualities I find very attractive, but just haven’t clawed their way up to my #1. The reason? I have an unhealthy obsession with beards.

Maybe it’s because I watched a lot of Jeramiah Johnson as a child. Maybe its because I’m the spawn of a preacher-man and I spent a lot of time looking at pictures of Moses, Sampson, and other bearded Israelites. Maybe it’s because I was convinced that Karl Marx was the smartest man of all time. Somewhere, somehow, I found beards to be extremely sexy. Like, I’d rather you have a beard than be able to drive a car or kill roaches. It’s LOVE. Pure, unadulterated, bearded love.

I KNOW RIGHT?!?!?!?! Who in their right mind, in 2010, when MANSCAPING is so in, finds BEARDS to be attractive??? Me. I am the person odd enough to think that someone having LARGE AMOUNTS OF COARSE HAIR GROWING OFF OF HIS VISAGE makes someone more attractive. Its disgusting. And I love it. Like GoGurt. You know its wrong, but you just want to squeeze it/rub it on your face anyway (sorry for what THAT just sounded like).

It’s a problem. And you know what? I don’t want to solve it. But there is one major reason this is keeping me from finding a boyfriend: I won’t settle. I’ve tried. The first guy I dated in college had THE. PERFECT. BEARD. My father hated him, but the day he dumped me we broke up my blessed Dad (a beard-sporter himself) said “Well he did have one hell of a beard.” I then dated a skinny hippie with a skinny excuse for a beard… I was happier when he shaved. Dry spell…..wait for it…dry spell… Then a red-head with a pathetic excuse for a beard *CoughCough NECKBEARD CoughCough* and an even more pathetic excuse for dumping me… Dry spell…wait for it…dry spell…. wait for it… Oh, wait, still in it.

There’s something about them. They’re so manly. I hate traditional gender roles. I’m a sociology major, I’m above it… But I do expect my man to be (or at least look like) the Brawny Man. All I want is a badass personality and an even more badass beard. I would even almost consider dating someone thinner than me (giant mistake… talking to you, skinny hippie) again if he could fulfill that promise. Just FYI, I’m going to start accepting any applications from bearded bloggers/bloggers with the ability to grow a beard/ bloggers with bearded sons/ bloggers with sons who have the ability to grow a beard. For real. Shameless, I know, but this way is not working.

Let’s say I find Beardy McPerfect. It would go exactly like this. We’d go on a few dates. I’d look beautiful, giggle, and casually compliment on his beard by date #2 (you’ve got to keep them guessing, I’d be so afraid to run him off in all his bearded perfection) and he’d say, “Oh really? Well, Love, I’m 99.9% sure we’re soul mates and should get married immediately. But as a test, would you agree to marry me at the World Beard and Mustache Championships on May 11th, 2011 in Trondheim Norway?” And I’d say, “Yes, My Perfect-Bearded-Brawny-Man (who may or may not be thinner than me) I will marry you in Trondheim”… then he’d win the championship, we’d live together in a perfect house, listen to Ray LaMontagne (great beard) all the time, watch a lot of Jeramiah Johnson, read a lot of Allen Ginsberg (yeah, Jew Beards!) and then we’d have about 38490238 bearded sons to bless the women of the future-world with beards. That’s the life.

Again, Reason #7852 Why I Don’t Have A Boyfriend: My insatiable quest for a man with the perfect BEARD.

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Filed under ...Talking to you..., Beards, humor, life, lifestyle, MME (My Miserable Exes), MPM (My Perfect Man), Obsessions, Reasons I Don't Have a Boyfriend

Day #2: SPANX (A love letter, essentially.)

So before we begin, I consider Day #1 a success. I had around 40 people check me out, and considering I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m just going to round that up to 100 and feel accomplished. So, you first 100 viewers, thank you for making me feel like a RockStar. Or BlogStar. And now, for something completely different…

To Sara Blakely, Founder of Spanx, The Greatest Invention of All Time, With Love, Gratitude, and Devotion:

You may not know us, and most of us may not know you; but we are the ones who owe you a debt far greater than the (in my opinion, ridiculous) $35-40 you originially charged us for your wunder-vention… SPANX. In case you forgot, YOU invented the ultimate union of Physics and Fashion; underclothes that really do make people skinner. Not only did you invent WONDER-wear, you invented MAGIC.

See, My Darling Sara (may I call you darling? I mean, you’ve been under my clothes sporadically for 6 months now) you brought self-esteem back to so many women’s lives. I, for one, know that if something bulges a little in my little dress, my SPANX will keep me flat looking and fab feeling (minus a little short on breath and circulation). And that is how it is MAGIC… I do not have to lose weight. I do not have to get my clothing altered. I do not have to wear underwear either. I just have to put a little muscle into getting them on, then poof… Skinny. You’re like a fairy godmother, but with golden locks, super-smarts, and a skinny bod (which may or may not be an illusion, but we’ll never know, so I’ll just continue to consider you the best Lady who ain’t Gaga)… THANX, SPANX!

Celebrities who added a little juggle to their wiggle *CoughCough TYRA BANKS CoughCough* sang your praises and even showed SPANX off on the red carpet. Celebrities the size of toothpicks *CoughCough POSH SPICE CoughCough* wore your WONDER-pants because they weren’t feeling quite as waif-ish as usual. But your magic is not wasted on just crazy/vapid celebrities and lazy college students like yours truly. No, My Precious Sara (may I call you precious? I mean, I cried once when I thought my Spanx were ruined in the drier) you brought the magic back into dressing up for women every where.

Although some ladies haven’t gotten the memo on the smoothing wonders of SPANX … I’m talking to you, Ladies (?) of the Jersey Shore… I know countless women who know that they feel better about themselves in their Spanx. You have given us courage to wear our shimmy-shimmy-shake dresses a little smaller, and to crank up the sassitude when we see our exes for the first time. Your magic is not just scientific, it’s emotional. Although nearly half of my heart wants to scream at you and applaud you for being the most brilliant and rich sado-masochist of all time; the slightly larger (and lovesick) majority of my heart wants to give everyone everywhere their own pair of SPANX.

So, Darling Precious Sara, let me thank you again, from the bottom of my lazy/vain heart. Please, never ever stop making your WONDER-pants that will forever allow women like me to defer their dreams of real skinny; and will also provide me with the thrill of wondering when/where/how the SPANX will secretly and quickly come off, perchance Mr. RightNow decides to come over for a snuggle… as well as the thrill of knowing he’ll never know he’s been fooled.

Love, Your Forever Friend and Lover (but only if you want to be) with Undying, Perpetual Devotion.

...and we thought the underwear from "Superstar" was as big as it gets for Molly.

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Filed under ...Talking to you..., Best Ideas Ever, college, Girl-Crushes, humor, Lazy, lifestyle, MME (My Miserable Exes), Not Being Skinny, Obsessions, pop culture, Reasons I Don't Have a Boyfriend

Day #1: The Snuggie

Reason #38947 Why I Don’t Have A Boyfriend: The Snuggie.

Even Al's got one.

We all know it, we all have an opinion about it. Snuggies are the perfect fad: they come in a wide variety of sizes, patterns and colors, and are species specific… not to mention they are the most stupidly brilliant invention. Snuggies really are “The Blanket With Sleeves”. If you don’t have one (first of all, you really ARE missing out) and live in a Cambodian fishing village and have never seen one, they are a gigantic fleece blanket with two holes cut out with sleeves attached– thus, a BLANKET with SLEEVES. Sheer, unadulterated, American-Authentic, lazy-man’s brilliance.

I am guilty into playing in to nearly every fad that has come into existence in my life, including the Snuggie. As a broke college kid, I begged my mother to buy me a Snuggie when she came to visit me at school and took me to Wal-Mart. When she told me I may have to wait till Christmas, I rattled off a list of 13 different reasons why I needed my Snuggie NOW. My generous mother, bless her heart, let me take my Snuggie home and put it on that day.

From Day #1, it was love. I put it on and I felt a deep, visceral satisfaction I hadn’t felt since the first time I saw Purple Rain on VHS. Snuggie and I started doing everything together. We played Harry Potter (it’s remarkable how much you can look like a Wizard in The Blanket With Sleeves), we played The Knights Who Say “Nee” (Stand on the bottom steps of a staircase in your snuggie, and you’ll understand), we pretended to be John Phillip Sousa and Princess Padme. Since there’s no heat in my house, I would wear Snuggie pinned at the small of my back before I got dressed and was getting ready. I would lay in bed under the covers with Snuggie. Snuggie and I were insta-soul mates.

Then it hit me– Snuggie is yet another reason I don’t have a boyfriend. The list is long and consistent in its mercilessness; but Snuggie had to be chalked up to the list. No man wants a woman who would choose sit around covered in a blanket specifically designed so she can hold her cat and watch Purple Rain simultaneously. Women who find joy in pretending to be Professor Dumbledore don’t exactly send out siren-calls for life partners. Although I have many other vices, Snuggie is just another brick in the wall separating me from companionship.

I’ve had a lot of boys come and go in my life thus far; most of whom I am not sad to have seen go… but I do know that if my Snuggie were to disappear today, I’d be a hell of a lot sadder about that than most of those men. So Snuggie, I hope that you don’t let the haters get you down, I hope you don’t fade into ADD Consumer Oblivion alongside Pogs and Beanie Babies, and I hope that you keep doing what you were made to do– make it simple comfortable, and cozy for me to snuggle with my cat (who I got because I don’t have a boyfriend) while watching a movie (which will make me sad because I don’t have a boyfriend) all the while staying nice and warm and resembling Hermione Granger (who eventually gets a boyfriend).

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Filed under Al Roker Cameos, Best Ideas Ever, Cat Lady, Harry Potter, Obsessions, Reasons I Don't Have a Boyfriend, Shameless Prince References