Category Archives: Wasting my time…

The universe has it out for me.

I know I’ve been missing for a long time. I will explain tomorrow, because that will be the first day in literally a month that I have free time. I know, right?

Anyway. I needed to tell this to the world.

I found an awesome website, Cute Boys with Cats. Sounds like my dream come true, right? Wrong. They’re all hipsters. Shit.

I’m having a serious life re-evaluation.

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Filed under Cat Lady, F*ckin HIPSTERS, MPM (My Perfect Man), Obsessions, Reasons I Don't Have a Boyfriend, Uncategorized, Wasting my time...

22 Reasons to Hate a Hipster

The new “Hipster” Craze makes me angry to a degree that’s intensity is only rivaled by the way I feel when 17 year old girls INSIST Twilight is valuable literature and I just don’t get what Edward and Bella have, and whenever I hear Nickelback on the radio. (These are the two reasons I avoid high schoolers and the radio at all times) These people really think they’re hip. But guess what? They’re not. And so, along with the 34092834 other kajillion people out there who hate Hipsters, I plan to blog about the things they do/say/like/are/wear that makes me want to vom. Yes I am aware that there are not that many people on the planet, but I am also privy to information that all the other intelligent life in the solar system as well as cats hate them too. Even the cats owned by hipsters.

1) The haircuts. Ain’t nothing FASHIONABLE about a FASHION mullet. Talking to you, Kristen Stewart…

2) Wayfarers, and the way they ruined them for the rest of us. I used to wear mine when it WASN’T cool to look like you were time travelling in from the 80s, now y’all wear them all the time. I don’t want to be associated with that, I want to be associated with Tom Cruise in Risky Business. Not Fashion Mullets and Parliaments.

If you see him, RUN.

3) THEY’RE ALL SKINNY. SOOOOO skinny. Even the boys. I don’t like skinny boys, I HATE skinny girls, and I don’t ever think its attractive to look like you’re deprived of essential nutrients. Skinny people always look a little unhappy, and I guess Hipsters are dying to be unhappy all the time. This is America, and if you have enough money for that American Apparel t-shirt that was entirely too expensive and made under the watch of a raging sexist, you most certainly have enough money for a cheesy double beef burrito. But I guess you wouldn’t know, cause Patriotism isn’t hip with the Hipsters.

4) Pardon me, Hipster, but you have stolen my brew of choice… Pabst Blue Ribbon. I drank PBR cause it was CHEAP and more palatable than Milwaukee’s Beast. And I ENJOYED it. Now yall drink it cause some other worthless Hipster told you to, and now PBR sales are skyrocketing. Maybe if Hipsters knew that PBR was the most American drink in America, they’d quit drinking it.

5) Dov Charney of American Apparel. This guy is a creep, and all who buy his clothes are creepers by proxy. Ipso facto, Hipsters are creeps. And by creeps I mean “sexually exploitative perverts with a massive superiority complex” as exhibited by this Business Week article.

6) THIS hoodie, also by American Apparel. I love a good beard, and I love a good Burt-Reynolds-in-Best-Little-Whorehouse-in-Texas style mustache… If it is real and attached to your face. Many of the Boy Hipsters can’t grow facial hair because God won’t let them. God loves men with beards a little extra, and God does in fact love Hipsters a little less. (My dad’s a preacher, he’s got a direct line to the Man.)

7) These Guys. (Thanks, LATF, for being a badass website as well as letting me shamelessly steal this link.)

8) Hipster’s attempts at cool facial hair. Mutton chops are only sexy on Confederate Generals and Melvin “Mutton Chops” McGee. Neither of which are Hipsters, cause they believe in tons and tons of violence as well as being respectful of women. (look… one of the wayfarer wearing ones snuck in here again…How in Sam Hell do I make that go away?)

9) They insist Macs are better than PCs. I know a lot of non-Hipsters do that too, but it just really gets my goat when it’s someone who is thin and wearing a flannel shirt in August in Central Georgia. That is neither logical nor ironic… Fail.

10) Tight pants only look good on David Bowie as the Goblin King in Labyrinth. And Prince, of course.

11) They won’t even admit they’re Hipsters. Just ask The Hipster Olympics.

Remove Yassar Arafat Scarf and Apathy, then become my friend.

12) Androgyny. I’m all about it when it’s David Bowie or the Lead Singer of the Eurythmics (still not entirely convinced Annie Lennox is a girl), but take the glitter out of the affair and I’m not so into it. I want to know who’s who and what’s what and who’s got what. I don’t like it when I see a whole pack of hipster friends and I can’t tell if they’re boys or girls and they’re all making out. But then again, Hipsters LOVE PDA too. Gross.

13) The substitution of the word “DECK” for “COOL.” People that are wayyyy cooler than us have been saying “cool” for a long time, and I don’t want to buck that trend. Plus have you ever fallen off a deck? NOT cool.

14) Mustache tattoos on fingers. Not cute. Grow one, or buy a stick on one, or just color one on your finger if that’s your way of being cheeky and clever. Remember, your grandkids are gonna ask you about that one day, and History is written by the WINNERS… Which probably won’t be wimpy hipsters with mustache tattoos on fingers. Such are the spoils of war.

15) PLAID, PLAID, EVERYWHERE! You’ll get it when you see a whole pack of them together. Frightening.

16) Pitchfork. It’s a breeding ground of musical self-importance and a celebration of all the “deck” things they are into, like polaroids at a concert (cool when you’re not a hipster) and who’s got the deckest album cover for their strange deck music.

17) The obsession with irony. No, as a matter of fact, it is not ironic that the tattoo on your back is the same as the one your grandpa got in the South Pacific with some Asian chick’s name on it and now you’re totally doing it with this Asian Hipster chick who’s name is unrelated and has never been to Asia… As a matter of fact, it’s not ironic because you planned the tattoo, and you probably wasted your money. Your Grandpa never heard the end of it from Grandma, and you never will either. Now THAT’S ironic.

18) Dirty Dirty Dirty. I’ve rarely seen one who looks like it’s bathed within the past 5-7 days, and that’s just the way they want it. That makes their awesome hangover known to all mankind, so they can all bitch and moan about their headaches together while Barista-ing or doing whatever else they can do whilst looking like that and not working hard. I don’t get it.

19) Trust fund babies should be prettier than Hipsters. If I didn’t have to work for my money, I’d take all that time and work on looking good so I can attract people who look good and have more money. The Hipsters use the opposite logic, blow their money on PBR, shitty bands, and pot, and will probably become Homeless like the people they resemble. Hows THAT for some MORE irony?

20) The non-chalance of the whole thing. Caring about others is cool, get over it. That’s why people like nice people like Mother Theresa, and hate people like Hipsters.

21) For how different they all try to be, I really think they all just look the same. Thank God for Hipster Hunters, they really let you know the who’s who and what’s what of the often indistinguishable but always nauseating Hipster physiology.

NO CHANCE she grew that mustache or needs those glasses. And she DEFINITELY doesn't need those bangs.

22) EVERY HIPSTER WEARS GLASSES…. WTF?!?! There is absolutely NO way that a whole entire group of friends somehow–call it fate, destiny, what have you– all ironicall found each other but also just so happened to be visually impaired. Sorry, your IQ’s aren’t high enough and there aren’t enough Asians in America. Something smells fishy about this one, and I’ve seen glasses without prescriptions for sale at Urban Outfitters…

So, there’s my rant on Hipsters. Yeah, I mean, I’m all for doing what you want to do and being who you really are in this world of superficiality and such… But please at least be funny or cute or of some kind of greater worth to the society. Maybe if Hipsters were making changes like the Hippies, or contributing to the art world like the Beatniks, I’d be into it. But really they’re just stealing and perverting “recycling” other generation’s trends and “making them their own” when really it just makes no logical sense, nor does it flatter my body type. Or anyone else’s for that matter. There are reasons the Members Only jacket went away, along with neon spandex and zip-up hoodies.

Because they SUCK. And that’s going to be the same reason Hipsters go away too. How ironic.

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Filed under ...Talking to you..., Beards, humor, life, musings, pop culture, Shameless Prince References, Uncategorized, Wasting my time...

Baby, I STUMBLE for ya…

First day back and I think things are going well. Then I realized that 3 people landed on my site because they searched “Girls with Beards” and/or “Will cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie make me look like more of a badass?” Good to know there are other people on God’s Green Earth who think about the same things as I do. Please know that you are welcome here, and I will try my damndest to make you minimally aware of how hard I am judging you. And to answer what it is you’re seeking– dudes don’t typically want to do it with go for chicks with beards. And cutting the sleeves off your Snuggie will not make you look like a badass. Its called “The Blanket with Sleeves,” not “The Blanket WITHOUT Sleeves.” Because if it didn’t have sleeves… It’d just be a blanket.

Surely y’all have heard of StumbleUpon. In case you’re like our other friends in the Cambodian Fishing Villages or living in the Mars Craters, StumbleUpon is quite possibly one of the most ingenius inventions on the Interwebz. You check little boxes telling it what you’re into, and it just like…FINDS these webpages for you that it thinks you’ll be interested in. So, essentially, you are “Stumbling Upon” them. Clever, if you will. And I will.

Now, as ingenius as StumbleUpon is, it is my biggest FRENEMY. StumbleUpon has introduced me to some really awesome stuff that really turns my friends on (like this SNOWFLAKE MAKER that kids on drugs just can’t resist) and gets me much-needed cool points. But, for all the hilarious cartoons and trivia facts, StumbleUpon has really made it clear to me that I am an absolute nightmare of a human being and my life is in far, far worse condition than I previously thought. You know, like the fact that it gives me links to things like “Magnificent Cat Tummies” and I look at the whole damn thing… and like it.

StumbleUpon introduced me to this... Which Kitty and I plan to ask for for Graduation.

Don’t believe me? I won’t tell you what my checked categories are (trust me… it’s horrifying.Its like they know exactly what you want before you even know you want it.  They actually SUGGESTED to me that I start StumblingUpon cats since apparently I “liked” everything cat-related. Huh.) but here are the first 10 pages that I will StumbleUpon. Prepare to block me from your blogs in 5…4…3…2…1…

1) HOW TO CLEAN YOUR OWL: Complete with PICTURE!

2) COOKING BY NUMBERS: You select the things you have; it makes you a recipe. This could lead to serious obesity and food poisoning based on the things in the pantry in MMH; but I’m balling on a budget so I’m definitely liking this one.

3) LAO TZU QUOTES: I mean… Even StumbleUpon knows I need a little guidance… But she DOESN’T know that I’m a little scared of Asians. HA!

4) SPEEDY PETE?: I’ve never been to this site, but these are some incredibly amazing pictures of  drunk people with cups and such balanced on their drunk as a skunk passed out heads/faces. I mean, I’m already friends with enough drunks, but I definitely want to be friends with the pranksters.

5) INTERESTING CAVES: Self explanatory.

6) WINE GLASS: This is a picture of an ad for a wine glass that fits a whole bottle in the glass… because “Drinking wine from a glass is classier than drinking from a bottle.” Well put, you drunk bitch. Why don’t they sell these on infomercials? I’d totally get one if they were some kind of BOGO.

7) BRIAN TURNWALD: I hate people who aren’t handicapped who park in handicapped spaces. This guy does that. Ipso facto, I hate this guy. HOW DOES STUMBLE KNOW THAT???? Better yet, who is this guy who is so freaking angry he made a whole page out of this? Righteous anger, no doubt… but still a little extreme… Well, right on, sisterbrotherstranger.

Gee...Thanks StumbleUpon... You really shouldn't have.

8) SOME BEARS: Self explanatory. This is a picture of a real bear and a teddy bear, in sepia tones. WTF? Still liking it. (BTW I know that keeps turning into some lame-o smiley dude in Wayfarers… Can’t make it stop auto correcting, so lets just let him shine on.)

9)HEDGEHOG SHAPED CHEESE GRATER: I’ve always wanted a pet hedgehog (they’re illegal in GA… pout.) and I love to grate cheese. StumbleUpon really just… GETS me.

10) AHHH!: Frightening.  I mean, she’s adorable if you know what to expect. But if not; terrifying. I need to tell StumbleUpon that they cannot do this to me unless they want my roommates to StumbleUpon a heart attack victim.

Now that I said I’m only gonna do 10 of these, I can’t seem to stop. That’s why Stumble is my Frenemy to the max. Sometimes I can’t seem to drag myself away, even if my coffee has kicked in or I need to be getting ready for a meeting. Or just doing other important things, like applying for graduate schools or writing love letters to Robert Redford. StumbleUpon makes me think I am actually getting something accomplished because I can post millions of insignificant links on millions of insignificant people’s walls. But I can’t lie. The only way I’ll be able to quit Stumbling like I do is if I stop making awesome grades (DOUBTFUL) or if I find a boyfriend (which will be close to impossible because of my debilitating Stumbling Habit and my love affair for cats which is only further enabled by my MOMster and Stumbling so hard) in the immediate future. Not likely.

And trust me… I do NOT want to be stuck Stumbling across videos of cats and pumpkins when MPM (My Perfect Man) walks in.

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Filed under Best Ideas Ever, Cat Lady, humor, Lazy, life, MMH (My Miserable House), MPM (My Perfect Man), Obsessions, Reasons I Don't Have a Boyfriend, Uncategorized, Wasting my time...

Day #5: TOPicLESS TUESDAY!

So, I was too busy to come up with a topic to actually think about today; but I refuse to not post every day. So, I’ll try and give you a run down of my day. (And I know what you’re thinking, how in Sam Hell is she too busy to come up with a topic when we’ve seen all the random jank she talks about?!?! I know, friends… I’m ashamed too)

10:40 AM: Get woken up to kitty clawing my face; something he does sporadically throughout the night. Silently say a prayer of rejoice/thanksgiving that he will be spayed and declawed tomorrow morning, and decide to let him have his moment. *If you’re wondering why HE is getting spayed, feel free to ask, its a great story.*

11:00 AM: Drink some questionable coffee the parents left sitting out, realize about 30 minutes later that there must be a laxative in said Colombian Roast, decide to skip on the breakfast. Instead, I choose to watch Out Cold. You know its going to be a good day when you start out with Zach Galifinakis (Man of my dreams…)

12:30 PM: Finish the 49320 loads of laundry that have been piling up in my month’s stay at home. Its not like the MOMster would do anything sweet/motherly like do my laundry anyway; so I just suffered until it’s time to hit the dusty trail for My Miserable House. I also may or may not have broken the new washing machine, and we’re just hoping my parents think its their fault. I should be able to make a quick break away, they’ll never know.

12:30-4:00 PM: Organize the disaster zone that is my room/closet, pack my giganto suitcase, 3 duffel bags, giant tote, backpack, and laundry basket, place them in my car… which means clean out the car. In FREEZING weather. No seriously, it’s freezing in Georgia. And this hot mess didn’t have the sense to put on shoes when she loaded the car. Really? I’ll never live to see 30. Or if I do, it will be with frost-bitten appendages. We southerners do not know how to deal with this weather.

4:00 PM- 6:00 PM: Tell the MOMster to get a life, go to Wal-Mart, get eyebrows waxed. Not at Wal-Mart though… That would probably cause some kind of fungus or eye disease. Speaking of eye disease, I learned that if you get water in your eye in Africa, it will give you diarrhea. Nightmares… Anyway, come home with a red face and some new over-priced crappy make up… Fo free.

6:00-7:00 PM: Make my OWN dinner. At my last night at home. I swear they’re itching to get rid of me. Then they’ll cry and whine and bitch about me “never coming home” when I come home all the time. I know parents love their kids and all, but I’ve been gone for 3 years… It’s not like you miss the pitter-patter of my moody and food-consuming, pay-per-view buying, grocery money-wasting, credit card-stealing feet. Please get a life, you’re suffocating mine…

7:00-8:00 PM- Watch NATURE on GPTV (Georgia Public Television, currently known as GPB, or Georgia Public Broadcasting… but I don’t like change) with the kitty while he tries to catch birds on the screen. Shame that he’s going to wake up tomorrow afternoon with no claws and no idea what is going on. It’ll be like Memento, but with a cat.

8:00-Now: Watch Parenthood (excellent movie, especially the kid who runs around with a bucket on his head and bangs the walls… plus I have a thing for Steve Martin… Meow) followed by the Office. Then I fed the cat like 9 treats which apparently is terrible for them because thats like feeding a cat 9 McDonalds Double Cheese– which sounds more like my heaven than hell– and they can’t digest it all. But hey, he’s getting his claws and his mangina taken out, he deserves some treats! Now I’m blogging… Not just out of necessity but because I think everyone needs to know how amazingly worthless my day was.

I’m heading back to the Promised Land tomorrow… REAL adventures will soon begin. Sorry if this post was a big fat let-down; I’m getting more and more readers every day, and I’ll probably have to do some damage control after this crap.  Until then, I’ll leave you with a video or something to make me feel like I’m sharing something? It’s kitty’s favorite.

Peace and Buh-lessings; Peace and Buh-lessings.

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Filed under Cat Lady, humor, life, MMH (My Miserable House), MPM (My Perfect Man), TOPicLESS TUESDAY!, Wasting my time...