My Baby Can Read: I’m sorry, nothing about that is right. I’m all for child development and what not, but it seriously creeps me out that parents are so obsessed with giving their kids the advantage they make these BABIES read. I’m pretty sure when I was their age I was too busying trying to avoid bathrooming in my pants and eating glue.
TWI-HARDS: Sorry, I know, I’m like, in my 20s and single and desperate and totally into magic and what not so I should like totally be Team Jacob or Team Edward… Get a life. It’s a Mormon abstinence parable. And ladies, if you think Taylor Lautner or Robert Pattison is actually gonna come bang on your doorstep, you’re wrong. And in the off-off-off-off-off chance one she actually does, you better not be wearing any “holy underwear” or be “saving yourself for marriage.” Go read some Harry Potter and save your breath trying to convince me that “the books really are great literature.”
These North Korean Babies: Especially the kid in the blue leisure suit playing the synthesizer. Discipline scares me, as do nuclear weapons. North Korea has both, and this is the future of North Korea. Creepy.
People who think any show on E! is of any value whatsoever: except Chelsey Lately and The Soup… but that’s cause they hate E! too and would be anywhere else. If anyone you know ACTUALLY Keeps Up With The Kardashians, you should run. There is nothing that exemplifies the downfall of America more than E!, except maybe Jersey Shore.
Blood and Guts: That’s your standard, run of the mill creep-out… but it creeps me out even more that people like, foam at the mouth for shows that are basically all about blood and guts. Talking to you, Discovery Channel.
Hoarders: I have an absolutely sick fascination with this show. I don’t know if its because I secretly take pleasure in knowing other people are far more mentally unstable than I am, or if its because I’m terrified of my potential to become one of them. Every time I watch an all day marathon I donate a trashbag of clothes to goodwill and clean out the fridge. Good for hoodrats and raccoons, bad for my already crippling self-doubt.
Pregnancy: Think about it like this. There’s this parasite inside of you that essentially absorbs your nutrients and just GROWS INSIDE OF YOU… and you can’t stop it or get it out… it’s just in there moving around and growing and it comes out when it’s ready to come out. Then its like a miniature version of you and whatever thing put it inside of you. Weird.
Miley Cyrus: Listen to her speak, think about whatever useless thing she said, and get back to me. It should creep you out not only that a musical genius like Billy Ray could create such terrifying spawn, but also that THAT is what every 6-16 year old girl out there wants to be. Bitch even has her own line of clothing at Wal-Mart. Look out, this is the future.
Jon Gosselin: He’s got 8 kids, he wears CZ earrings, is drenched in Ed Hardy (and means it), and essentially threw away millions by screwing up his marriage causing people to question whether or not their 8 kids should be on TV. This guy is a nub.
The Apocolypse: Um, its the end of the world… and it may be happening in 2012. Whether it’s real or fake, I can’t handle all those movies/books/Life After People programs. Ignorance is bliss baby, and its a hell of a lot better than sitting through any Tom Cruise & Dakota Fanning mash-up.
Pepsi-Drinkers: Born and raised in Georgia. EVERYONE ON THE PLANET knows that ALL Coke products– hands down, across the board, no matter at what altitude, hemisphere, type of vessel, or time of year– taste better. People who drink Pepsi are paying the same amount for an inferior product, which is just stupid and wrong. Even starving children across the globe know what Coke is and WANT one… its the most recognizable brand in the world for a reason. This kid in the video creeps me out too, double whammy.
…more of these to come. I’m creeped out by a lot.